RemarkAble Women Speak

Speaking Up in School

In praise of RemarkAble Women.  That's what this blog is all about.  Women who are grabbing hold of their life and saying, "This is what I want to do."  Ordinary women.  Ordinary in that they aren't grabbing headlines.  They don't have celebrity status.  They are women like you and me.

Women like my younger sister, Cynthia.  It was only in the past couple of years that she recognized her fondness for cooking and baking.  Suddenly, dinners at her home consisted of butternut squash soup, shrimp manicotti, and clams with asparagus. Then she excelled at desserts.  Homemade almond tarts, banana bread, cheesecakes, shortbread squares, and lemon bars. I envy her neighbors who get to taste test her latest experiment with a new recipe.

I live about 10 miles away. Once, when I learned she was baking a fresh coconut cake, I told her she had to save a piece for me and my husband.  I drove to her house solely to garner 1/4 of the sweet, moist, multi-layered dessert.  Every bite brought back childhood memories of our Mom's kitchen creativity.

Last week, Cynthia's dream of two years culminated when she returned to school to earn a certificate in Pastry/Specialty Baking.  Proactively, she's looking for a part-time job at a bakery so she can gain more practice as she learns.  Visions of sugarplums are already dancing in my head. 

Following on her heels, though in another direction, is my hairdresser.  Rosa has been in business for probably close to 30 years.  Very successfully, I might add.  Starting this winter quarter, she is heading to a local community college for a degree in Business Administration.  Why?  "Because I want to do this for me."

And then there's Kelly.  We met on the job, where we both worked in Human Resources.  Eventually, she traded her employee status for mommyhood.  Today, she and her husband are blessed with the most darling of little girls, ages 9 and 10.  What's Kelly up to these days?  She's working as a Registered Nurse, having returned to school to earn that designation. 

Three ordinary women.  Each RemarkAble in their own way.  Speaking up in the classroom.  Speaking up at work.  Speaking up in life.  Taking charge.  Making a difference.  Three voices among many who have experienced the power of expressing their soul's desires.

What's your story?

Give Me Just a Little More Time

A couple days ago, I wrote that I had a new headshot photo taken.  Take a peek to the left to check it out.  I was ready for a different look, so to speak, and opportunity knocked.  If you're in the Seattle area, the photographer who so generously offered the free shooting at a networking event is Julian Michael Aguirre.  Go to his website to learn more about his artistry.  Of course, he'll charge you, but it will be worth every penny.

What I really want to share with you today is how I once again experienced the value in speaking up.  I committed to an activity next week that had me feeling pressed for time.  It meant that I would have to get several pieces in order before I felt comfortable pursuing the activity.  Rather than getting stressed about the activity, I called and asked for an extension.  I have not yet received a return call, but I know this person is busy.

I also know that he is forgiving and understanding.  Life happens and circumstances change.  A RemarkAble Woman knows when to cut herself some slack instead of continuing to push on through.  Immediately after making the call, I felt as if a weight had been lifted.  I began to work on the pieces that I want in place when the rescheduled activity occurs.  My inspiration and creativity were heightened because there wasn't any stress bearing down on them.

A phone call.  That's all it took.  And the willingness to speak up for what I wanted.

What's your story about speaking up?

Listening In On Conversations

Let's face it.  We're RemarkAble Women.  We have something to say, and have learned, or are learning, to speak up.  That's part of being RemarkAble.  But a conversation requires a speaker and a listener. 

How does a RemarkAble Woman demonstrate that she is actively listening when in conversation?

• Does not interrupt
• Remembers what she heard
• Makes eye contact
• Is comfortable with her silence
• Is aware of how she feels
• Does not think about what to say next
• Paraphrases and asks questions to clarify

Is this you?  In what areas might you improve?  How else do you show that you are listening well?

Finding Calm in the Economic Storm

Have you found yourself caught up in a situation that has occurred because of changes in our economy?  Are you stressed or upset or bothered?  Are you looking for answers?  It's up to you to speak up on your behalf.

My husband and I recently received a letter from our mortgage broker informing us that all mortgage offices for our long-time lender are closed down.  I had a few questions looking for answers.  Like, "When did this happen?"  I first connected with a Customer Service Rep, then a manager.  In the course of a 15-minute conversation, I got my answers, and now feel assured that we are not negatively impacted by this change.

But change can be scary, especially when your financial stability might be in question.  What's a RemarkAble Woman to do?

• Notice when you have made up a story about your situation.  What do you know that is true?  Focus on the truth rather than dwell on the fiction.  The truth may be plenty enough to handle as it is, without adding more stuff.
• Ground yourself.  Your spiritual source wants to support you.  Ask for guidance.  Meditate.  Breathe deeply to exhale your tension. 
• If you are bothered about the circumstance, calm down before you talk to someone who can be of assistance.  They are more likely to pay extra attention if you're not upset.  Delay your conversation, if possible, and attend to your whole Self first.
• Ask around until you get the best resource to help with your questions and concerns.  It may take some time to get to the correct person, but don't despair.
• Only present the facts.  If you've let go of the story, it's easy to stay on track with what it is they can help you with.
• If you are feeling highly stressed or pressured, and experience physical symptoms, consider professional help, such as through a counselor, therapist, EAP program, or coach.
• While it's true that "this too shall pass," you're caught up in it now.  Do what you can to manage it a step at a time, and in time, it will pass.

Time is On Your Side

As I write this post, I had previously started an overdue email response, opened up my workbook on A New Earth (by Eckhart Tolle) to look at the Chapter 4 questions, checked my business email for new messages, and glanced at the newsletter I'm writing for my Toastmasters club.  How present do you think I am for any of these activities?  How ready am I to communicate in a way that is fully focused on my target?  Not very.

So I decided to complete this post.  One thing at a time.  Yet I was still thinking about what I might say in my email response, since it's to one of the women I'm sponsoring through Women for Women International.  Gimme a moment here, please; I'd like to get centered.

Taking a Leap of Voice

I do not want this day to pass without acknowledging it for what it is - the day that marks 2008 as a Leap Year.  Tradition has it that women are "allowed" to propose marriage to a man in a Leap Year.  Tradition has since given way to normalcy, as women ask men to marry them all the time.  It's a new age, with new ways of acting naturally.  If you feel it, do it.

My husband proposed to me, in keeping with the male norm.  However, my attitude might have precipitated his request.  It was well after we were married that he told me he proposed because he was concerned that I might beat him to it.  You see, I was the first one to say those three words.  No, not "What's for dinner?"  I announced, in a card on our six-month anniversary of dating, that "I love you."  It was my way of letting him know that I was getting ready to commit.

Oops, I Didn't Mean That!

You gotta read this, especially since I've recently seen it mentioned at least twice in my local Seattle Times, as it might be in your neighborhood paper. I've also seen references to it on the Internet. It's about the latest buzz on communication snafus.  More specifically, about what it is that women tend to say more than men, oftentimes when it's not appropriate or necessary to do so. 

Then a client told me her story on a coaching call today, and she said it.  We had quite a chuckle as I read to her from the newspaper article that was on my desk.

In the midst of correcting an employee, which was the proper thing to do under the circumstances, she told him, "I'm sorry if this offends you."  Can you dig it?  It was clear that it was in his best interest to understand the ramifications of his deed, and yet my client was concerned that his feelings might be hurt.

And I can understand.  The article confirms what we know is so; most women are natural nurturers, and we care in that way.  This doesn't mean that men don't nurture, but they are less likely to use those words as regularly and as often as women do.  I read last year about a women who admitted she needed help when she said "I'm sorry" to a cantaloupe she dropped on the floor of the Produce section at her grocery store. 

The word sorry stems from the word sorrow, which has its origins in an old Slavic word for sickness.  The dictionary definition refers to it as distress with grief and regret. As it is with much of the English language, sorry is one those words that has a double-meaning.  Per the dictionary, it implies a feeling of regret or sorrow.  Yet, there's another side to those two words.

Deborah Tannen, author of the bestseller, You Just Don't Understand, says men tend to see those words more often as an apology, with its implication of fault. So when a women says "I'm sorry," a man may say, "It's not your fault."  Or, when saying, "I accept your apology,"  he may infer that she did something wrong for which she is worthy of blame.  Then there's the whole other side of a woman apologizing when the blame is mutual, and the man not apologizing in return, having one-upped the conversation in his favor.  Whew!  I'm sorry, but this is just too convoluted for me.

Gender differences and social conditioning as they are, women are just too darn nice, and apologize way too much. Speak up and say "I'm sorry" when you dent someone's fender.  Speak up and say, "I made a mistake" when spilt coffee crashes your department's computers. 

But puh-leeze! The next time you are on the verge of apologizing to a piece of fruit, think twice about what you are regretting.  You didn't do anything wrong.

Freedom to Do and To Be

Do you have any goals this year to improve your communication skills?  Maybe you'd like to be more  assertive, or become a polished public speaker. You might even want to learn how to negotiate well.  Strong communication skills are vitally important to speaking up in a way that conveys conviction and purpose.

Or maybe you have goals in the areas of finance, relationships, health, or spirituality.  If you've read my previous posts, you'll know that one of my health goals this year is to drink 32 ounces of water every day.  So far, so good.  And I have established goals for other areas of my life, which I'll share with you later this week.  I feel especially compelled to follow through with my goals because of the PLUS I've added to what I usually do. (See 1/17/08 and 1/21/08)

If you haven't yet seat any goals, or have, but feel they lack "oomph," I invite you to register for SMART PLUS Goals: Turning Action Into Joy. Whether your goals are personal or professional, or both, when you are able to act on them with commitment and enthusiasm, the likelihood is much higher that you will succeed at having what you want.

SMART PLUS Goals: Turning Action Into Joy is a teleclass I will be facilitating this Wednesday, January 30, from 7:00 - 8:00 p.m. PST.  Register here and get ready to bring more oomph into your life.

It Takes More Than Oxygen to Speak Up

Quite coincidentally, or perhaps more synchronistically, I received an email today that compares water to Coca Cola.  Having already completed two weeks of my "drink more water" goal, my curiosity was piqued, since Coke used to be my beverage of choice many years ago.

But now that my water goal is public, and Coke has lost its appeal, I paid special attention to this missive.  Among other notes of interest, the email states that: 

• 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated (as is most of the world).
• In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is mistaken for hunger.
• Even mild dehydration will slow down one's metabolism by 3%.

It didn't take long for me to realize that dehydration and thirst are like bad conversation and mis-communication.  Just as with a lack of water, communication that is void of style is as dysfunctional as the hidden agendas and perceptions that cloud its words. Even when the meaning is well-intended, its effect is parched and feeble.

Experiencing the Vitality of Words Not Yet Spoken

It's a rainy, windy day here in Seattle, and I'm delighted.  Why wouldn't I be?  The house is cozily warm, my husband is across the hall happily installing his new computer, and I've just written the introductory letter to each of my Congolese Sisters from my Women for Women sponsorship.  I wrote in simple language to respect their lack of formal education.  Microsoft Word shows my text to be at 5th grade level.  Will they understand my message?  Did I say the right things?  I don't know.

But first, back to my warm house. It has a gas furnace. And big windows that let in natural light and the songs of the birds.  Jon and I each have our own office. We have a refrigerator filled with food, and a pantry to match.  I can flick a light switch as I go from room to room, since electricity freely flows from the underground circuit.  I have my water bottle next to me, filled with filtered water from the indoor faucet.  The water bottle came with the treadmill that gets a workout in the rec room downstairs.

Note to Self:  I could extend this post into forever just writing about what my husband and I have, and that would just be about what's in our house.  We're not rich, but we do have stuff.  Sometimes I question the need or desire for stuff, but that's for a later post.

For now, my focus is on two women who have little and deserve so much.  Pelagie and Rogerine are speaking up and asking for help.  They have asked to participate in the programs offered by Women for Women.  They want to make a difference in their families and their communities.  They don't know how to want a new washer and dryer or a flat screen TV or Brita filters on sale.  But they know how to want to feed their spirit.  They understand that the progress they make will strengthen their resolve and cement their inner drive.  They know how to want to remain resilient in their quests for survival.

How do I know this to be true?  I don't.  We have not yet had reciprocal communication.  And yet, I feel it - a feeling of my own convictions being strengthened; a feeling of my personal values claiming their seat in the front row of my life.  I know now that I wrote the right words in my letters to them.  As I think about these women, I sense that there are many lessons to be learned from each of us to the other.  Regardless of how the communication happens in return, and even if it doesn't or is infrequent, I am already hearing and feeling their messages. 

A flame has been ignited from within me when I think of Pelagie and Rogerine.  Two women who are, in effect, still strangers to me, and yet, who have become my friends.  Soul sisters.  A connection that transcends the distance between our continents. I will not struggle to explain this feeling.

I will simply allow it to Be.